Me Big. You Little.

Desiree Burch is bigger and badder than you. Except when she's smaller and better (with more parentheticals than you can handle).

Monday, September 04, 2006

Offensive Sandwich


I picked up a quarter for this fu manchu looking young lad last night before he offended me. Today I realize, what we had was an offensive sandwich.

There was a big slice of misunderstanding and the matter of some time between him being offended and me being offended and everything being everyone's fault was featured as the 'special sauce'.

For anyone still offended by fu manchu, don't blame that silly facial hair pattern on me.

I was mid-conversation when half of the man's fare for the thrill-ride that is the BUCKSHOT arcade game rolled away from him, off the edge of a wobbly cabaret table and onto the floor. Being that the laws of physics are among the last laws that occur to you when you are drinking, this cat kept searching the floor near his feet and nowhere near mine. As the quarter rolled in my direction, this was dumb.

I was trying to find a breath in this particular conversation to indicate to the man that he might want to look near my friend and me, but he wrote the change off quickly to the female companion who helped him search for it.

Too quickly for my personal tastes, I must confess. I hate the disdain money inspires in people. A quarter is no unimportant thing. A quarter can be the difference between breaking or not breaking a $20. And a $20 unbroken can get you through a broken day on hope, gleaming clean and green from you wallet.

Thirty or forty minutes later, when my friends and I were leaving, I grabbed my things and noticed his quarter on the floor. I picked it up and presented it to the man. "Here's your quarter... You lost before..."

He looked at me with such wondrous peculiarity, before informing me, "I have a job."

At least I am pretty sure that is what he said. In bars, you never can be too sure. I held the quarter out to him steadfast. He did finally consent to taking it from me.

I was upset by his reaction. Feeling he was unduly rude to me. Startled at the very least. Just put off and offended. Everyone laughs at nice people. Like he's so amazing he wouldn't need to pick up the change he drops, and who was I to suggest otherwise?

Sometime before writing all of this down, I realized that he might have been offended by me; thinking that rather than his quarter, it was mine I was handing him. Offering him some kind of charity for having lost his tribute to the bar gods. Here's another quarter monkeyman. Try again. He though I was possibly pitying and hitting on him in one swell foop.

Damn. That's not good.

But none of that actually happened. Just potentially in his head it happened. And none of it, the little nicks of hurt, none of it had to happen if he didn't get offended. He didn't have to see the worst in something so small. Do that scattered impromptu of the defense offense. Sending out a little cold bullet of two or three words. Something so small. Lodged in my brain.

(Though posted first chronologically, the preceding is a continuation on the theme of 'sandwich'. The above sandwich is not that offensive. It just came up in the image search for 'offensive sandwich'. Maybe that smear on the bread is poo. That's definitely offensive.)

6 Comments:

At 12:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey des. cool blog. not sure if you remember me but i came to see the saturday show of tmlmtbgb. some amazing stuff. i live in az but next time i visit the east coast i'll surely swing by.

what i assume people think i do when i tell them i'm a performance artist was hilarious and then the deja understudy that followed was awesome. can't believe he took off his shirt for the cheese. the whole show was wonderful.

you might actually remember me from buying the red t-shirt. i was unsure of my size at the time, but the medium was perfect. anyways, just wanted to say you were fantastic and keep up the excellent work.

 
At 9:47 AM, Blogger DesTheRay said...

Thanks anon...

I remember you, though we didn't officially meet. Hi. Desiree. Thanks for spreading the TML gospel in AZ with your t-shirt. It's a great way to strike up conversation with people who go... hey, I've seen that show too... Come visit us the next time you are back on the east coast.

 
At 2:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your blog. Wish I was in NYC to see all your great shows.

Your # 129 fan,
E-Lo

 
At 3:22 PM, Blogger bam34 said...

i thought the stuff on the sandwich was Marmite. THAT's offiensive!

xxx
Brian

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger Hannah said...

Dear Des,
Having looked through your great blog, I am inspired by your work. I thought you may be interested in our funny parody video “Tales from the Missionary Hut: Just Suck. It’s about shortages of clean drinking water across the globe and sadly the low horizons some schemes have. This film is available to watch and vote for here: http://www.citizen.tv/WORLDwrite#!vo=%2Ftales-from-the-missionary-hut-just-suck-vK90uysTbL.html
We have uploaded the film on Citizen TV talent site in the hope that it may receive sufficient 5 star votes to make its message ‘award winning’.
I do hope you will consider voting for our film and I would be delighted to read your comments too. Do feel free to embed, share, copy and pass on this programme to anyone else who may be interested.
Many thanks,
Hannah Odonkor
Worldbytes volunteer.

 
At 7:48 PM, Blogger Gabriel Asmodeus said...

Eric Trundy http://www.erictrundycomedy.com

Ryan Higgins http://www.ryanhigginscomedian.com

James B. Hodge http://www.jamesbhodge.com

 

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