Me Big. You Little.

Desiree Burch is bigger and badder than you. Except when she's smaller and better (with more parentheticals than you can handle).

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

How to Give Head *

So along with cigarettes, I gave up sex for Lent, ‘cause I figured I wasn’t having it anyway, perhaps Jesus could again make me hard-to-get, since that worked so well in high school and college and I was a virgin until 22.

I do miss sex. A lot. And I appreciate it so much now. And I am starting to realize that I’m never going to have it again. So here’s to the good times.

I think that one of my sexual specialties is the blow job.
I am a very orally fixated person, so going down on someone is just a treat for both of us. When I say that I am good at giving head, people think that I am exaggerating, or just tooting my own horn. That is not the horn that I am tooting. I have laid out a personal instruction manual for those of you who are interested. Feel free to send me other ideas, tips, improvements, suggestions, etc. More than I ever want to have sex again, I long to perfect my craft.

  • Start by grabbing the shaft with the dominant hand, and looking down at it as through it's some kind of treat you just couldn't resist getting your hands on.
  • With naughty mouth slightly agape, draw your face toward it while looking up at guy in the eyes. He will definitely be looking at you.
  • at last moment of approach, dart your tongue out and give the little Darth Vader helmet some ice-cream-cone tongue licks but flicker the tongue so they are a bit more sexy. Make sure to get around the helmet rim. This will also help you build up spit.
  • You can tighten your mouth around the helmet of his cock, because the rim is very sensitive. Even just isolating movement to his cockhead going in and out of your mouth is going to be highly titillating, and is going to make him stiffen up.
  • Make a couple of circles and dive down on his cock suddenly. There is generally a moan of surprise/pleasure/relief.
  • Dive about halfway down his cock to begin. Best to tuck your teeth behind your lips. If you are down there for any length of time, you are going to want to start chewing. It's not the motion that is bad, just the sharpness of teeth that is, so tucking them behind your lips will allow you to *slightly* vary the aperture of the sphincter you are creating with your mouth during intensified moments of pleasure. Start out with a loose mouth; tighten it when you are getting more into the meat of the action.
  • Bob your head up and down in classic "chickenhead" motion. Support your choice with your hand in front of your mouth, as though you are playing a bugle. Use your hand to create the rest of the "canal" that his penis is in. Fingers should be tighter toward your mouth, and slightly looser as they move toward the base of his cock. This is the G.I. Joe Kung-fu grip that is going to be your saving grace while giving head. You are going to have to back off and breathe at some points, but you can always be giving him a hand job while you are planning your next move. Use it to spread the spit around.
  • In your bobbing motion, you should be creating more lubricating spit. don't suck so hard that you suck the spit up. Spit is good. The bobs should be moving closer to the base of the cock. But don't move too predictably. dart some of your sucks down toward the base, and balance that out by pulling the head way back off the cock so there is a chance for breathing for you, breathing on the cock (in the re-approach) and eye contact as you go in for the kill again.
  • As frequently as possible, make eye contact. it's easy to get into the "zone" and just start going to town with the work you are doing (they don't call this shit a blow "job" for nothing), but making sporadic eye contact is going to surprise him even more. It gives the guy the simultaneous feeling that you have some kind of devious control over his member and it is (for once) out of his hands, as well as the stereotypical pornographic shot of you (which guys are so familiar with these days) servicing him which gives him this feeling of dominance and you this look of submissive preoccupation or something. It is a knowing look that is in control of the situation, but is making him feel in control at the same time, which is sexy in its ambiguity.
  • It's good to use your free hand in these cases for ball-play. Rubbing the taint is always a good move, particularly once you get into the meat of the action, since it's a way to one-up the stakes physically. He's gotten used to you sucking the cock—but bring his balls into the picture all of a sudden, and the potential for pleasure doubles exponentially. Really go for massaging pressure on the taint. You can rub all the way up between the balls, separating them and all. on the balls themselves, be delicate but friendly. Pretend like you are babysitting them. You can't play too rough, but at the same time, they need to be educated about what is going on with the rest of the genital region, so make them feel at home. Molest them basically. (yeah, remind yourself not to have me baby-sit your kids)
  • Take time away from sucking to go back to tongue flickers on the rim. God is in the details. This is where you can rack up style points. Let extra spit slide down the shaft when you draw your mouth away, and then try to catch it with that "oh no, my ice cream cone is dripping" action, licking down the shaft. take this opportunity to go down and lick the balls some. Cupping balls delicately in your mouth is a big selling point with most guys. This is when they start telling you they love you and shit. Suck on them like they are little hot potatoes--lots of huffing and breathing and moving them around in your mouth very delicately. Lick between them so they flop out on either side of your mouth. Who's afraid of balls? Not you. Work your tongue back up the shaft and take no time getting your mouth back around it. You are master of your domain.
  • you should pretend giving head is the sit & reach presidential physical fitness test where you are trying to get farther on each try. i tend to feel like the goal (if i like the guy) of the head is getting the deep-throat action going on. Nothing says lovin’ like swallowing a little cock. Hmm-HMMM! Of course, you have to let this come on as a surprise. It's all about setting up the pattern of diving and hand ringing action, and then taking the training hand away and just going in for the kill. My gag reflex isn't as strong as other people's so it is something that may vary, but i find, the more my inclination to swallow (since i have an "i eat too much" oral fixation) the cock, the more my throat relaxes and the easier everything gets. Lots of saliva helps too.
  • If you are going to go in for the low-dive: let your tongue lead the way. it's like the sit & reach. Once it slides down it can use all those little prehensile like filaments on it to hold its place on the cock and help you slide the rest of your mouth down to meet it. All of this stuff is rather imperceptible and miniscule, but important on an organ with a lot of nerve (endings). Plus, going gradually like a little snail (okay, faster than a snail, but you get the point) will help you not to gag if you think you might have problems. But usually i find that you can get as far as you can go, and then go slightly farther with this little mechanism. Once you get down to the base, hold for a moment before going back. Hopefully through this technique you can increase the time that his little warrior is allowed to spend in paradise without hurting yourself. Although, don't underestimate the hotness factor of a gagging sound to his ears. Makes him think he is SO BIG. Use it to your advantage.
  • The next time you go down, don't go down as far. You can even bring the hand back into play, as though your extreme deep-throat was a fluke. But then, eventually, get back to that place. Go farther if you can. That's only if you like doing it, which is something that i really do enjoy. One has to do a lot less work when you are deep-throating. Just attempt to swallow the cock. This drives most men insane. And it gives your tongue and neck a little time to rest. If the back of your throat is working, the rest of you has time to rest for a while. And the slight gagging usually makes for more spit, which, if you couldn't tell already from this, is a good thing.
  • Don't be alarmed when the hands come to the back of your head. That's how you know things are going well. If you are deep-throating quite a bit, the guys is going to try to fuck your face. Women do this to while getting head. If a man starts tonguing you hard and deep, generally you start grinding against his face, essentially trying to fuck it. So don't let it make you feel degraded. I mean, you are already on your knees, sucking a cock. Though it feels kind of dehumanizing having your face turned into a fuck-hole, it's important to remember that in pretty much 99% of sex, there is that moment when both individuals go for their own orgasm. Someone feels it coming, and just starts going for their own pleasure. Sometimes you are fortunate enough to have this moment integrated with the other persons and you can come together, and everyone thinks it's wonderful, but it is just a symbiotic sexual capitalism, where everyone is going for their own gain in a way. One only starts to feel this more acutely when giving head because the brain is in your face, so you have more time to think about having transformed from person into sexual object (and one long finger making this point repeatedly in your face). Just don't be alarmed when the he starts trying to bang your face. If it's uncomfortable, you can start making the gagging sounds to let him know that you're not doing fine down there, or fucking, just tap out. Sex is a contact sport. And it is important for you to enjoy what you are doing, or the head is going to start to suck. Or you can start to do your own grabbing. You've got hands and clear access to his most prized possessions. Use your "canal" hand to give you some forced distance from the base of his cock, or use the ball-titillating hands to give him a "warning." All of these unspoken negotiations can usually be done without anyone being too hurt physically or emotionally. But don’t be afraid to speak up or stop if you are feeling bad. I would recommend reserving the deep-throating for someone you are with in a committed relationship and care about, or at least someone that you know cares about you, so that you know that there are feelings there for him, besides just the sensation of him fucking your throat, and you won’t feel permanently objectified in his mind as some kind of fuck hole. You will just temporarily feel that way, which is kind of hot. Just remember, though you may be in a submissive position, the submissive is always in control of how far things go. ALWAYS.
  • Generally, if you go to the deep-throat, the guy will be coming very soon. You can kind of just suck on it like a popsicle until he's ready to blow. if it takes awhile, repeat old techniques, and back off of the deep-throating for a bit, because he might be getting kinda numb to all of your lovin’, and you have to re-awaken his senses. Ball and taint play is always a good way to do this, while deep-throating or not. or back off altogether and return to giving a hand job with tongue action around the tip.
  • OH SHIT, HE'S GONNA COME! So either you are going to swallow or not, right? If you're loving him and want to swallow, I always feel the easiest way to do that is to dive down his cock so that the tip of it is as far back as possible and the ejaculate hits as little of your tongue as possible. Just ‘cause you like him doesn't mean that shit's gonna taste good. If he's already in your mouth, and you aren't liking him as much, or you know, want to save something for later (if you haven't already deep-throated him, most likely), make some spit and close off the back of your mouth, so when he comes out, you can just spit him right back down his shaft and rub him into himself. I think this is the most natural way to spit him out without making him feel rejected. However, my favorite move in this case, is just to throw my head back in regal superiority, with mouth agape as he says he's going to come, masturbate him to completion, and then have him ejaculate on my breasts. It's sexier than spitting. It's generally hot for the guy to see his spunk all over you, and it acts as a nice little moisturizer. just make sure to point his cock as directly at your chest as possible. Otherwise you wind up with a nose full of come and you have to wash your hair again, which you probably did before you knew you were going to fuck him that night anyway.

This is all assuming that giving the blow job was the point of your activity. If the point is to give him head before you guys have intercourse, then you are going to have to stop pre-, or in worst case, mid-deep-throat. Otherwise he will probably already be going for his orgasm, and yours will be a passing memory. Although, any man who is worth his salt, should go down on you like a champion after this. However, I find it's often better to get him to do this first, so you can gauge how far you should go with his oral stimulation. It always sucks to whore yourself out first just to find that he's going to act like a coquettish prude (if you can imagine) and only give you a cursory show at some downtown lovin'. Men can be such little bitches sometimes.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

"Yeah, and another thing..."--The Assistant Bitch

Stop choking me you stupid bitch! I don't understand how the cute girl with the cock in her mouth can get through a single scene without whipping this guy's pecker out of her mouth and smacking the petulant dyke-invert next to her in her titty.

I mean, honestly, can't you see the star is trying to choke on a cock here? She doesn't need any football coach irritation from you, smaking her upside the head and grabbing her throat. SHE'S ALREADY SUCKING A COCK! Your encouragement is only ruining my 10 second clip.

In the porn movie, there are often two girls, just so they can play good cop/bad cop and amuse a throbbing cock that has to stay up and work all day. I get that two girls are sexy because two objects are better than one. It's just insulting to the sex itself to have some dumb bitch over there going, yeah, that's right, you suck it. I get that it makes the guy the master, because he gets to have everyone worry about servicing him. But make that bitch shake a pom pom while she is at it, so that she has a full understanding of how superfluous she is. Honestly, she could be doing everyone else a lot more good if she were double-fisting the collard-boy's ass three pages down.

I blatantly watch too much porn.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Rebecca Romijn is...

Really Desperate.

God, I wish I could find the picture from the subway ads where she looks like she's doing her local news coverage of Hurricane Katrina coverage. ("Whee... I'll blow on and off the WB in a matter of weeks, whee...! See if you can catch what's up my dress!")

Too Soon?

I mean, she seems like a lovely use of oxygen and all, but can someone tell her to take of her top and put blue paint back on her torso. That is worth watching. The last thing the world needs right now is another fake news caster.

AND speaking of subway ads. I have to admit I kind of want to see (for free or on bootleg)

Akeelah and the Bee

I saw the subway ad for it on the way to the R train last week. It only has Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett's names across the top, and the first thing I could think of for a the catch phrase would be "This time he doesn't beat the shit out of her!"

However, the geniuses at Lion's Gate films have decided to market it to NY commuters as "The Ultimate Family Movie of the Year," which, as friend and resident genius Brian M. points out, is a phrase that doesn't really make sense--the word "ultimate" most commonly meaning, the last of a series. Kind of a dumb thing for a movie about spelling. But if you go all Webster's on it, the word does have connotations of fundamental, elemental, utmost, extreme, greatest possible. I see where they are going, but basically the phrase is saying, "This is the family movie that negates all family movies." This year. And thus we are back to it being a retarded phrase.

The negation factor though, leads me to my initial lay-analysis from seeing tag phrase on the way to the train last week. It's basically saying: "Our family movie can beat the shit out of your family movie!" (Which of course would, in fact, make this film epitomize the the American family.) And thus we come, full circle.

See irony.
(Or perhaps Morrissette, Alanis).

and speaking of beating the shit, it's time for me to "get some sleep."