forgive me father. mother. sister. puppy. all.

yeah, i have been down and out in beverly hills for a while y'all. not really. unless beverly hills is astoria. and it's not. believe it or not there isn't this much dogshit in beverly hills.

i didn't do much blogging in december, because i was "dying with dignity" at my job. i basically had the "how can i get out of this horrendous nightmare and get unemployment" conversation with one of the executives, because the working environment at my old, underdog, civil liberties nonprofit became a dynasty flaming pile of shit in a matter of months. of course, time bomb had been ticking for a while. i am glad it ended with a staff changeover, rather than one crazy, jealous wife in particular coming in with a shotgun and cleansing the place.

i went home, which was wonderful. felt like a removed a layer of my saran-bondage-blanket-of-self and connected with my mom more. i love my mom. who doesn't love their mom? lots of people. right.

i thought i had beef with her because you know, i am fucked up and they are the ones who do that (because the fathers do it by not being there, right?), and like, she's the one who comes and interrupts all the good sex in my dreams, where somehow, i am always in her house, trying to have it really quietly. hmm. calling dr. freud; dr. freud, you have a patient at the front desk.

my brother is amazing. my family is so weird, and suburban and dumb like all families. growing up they seemed like some bastard alien experiment i was part of. now of course, my own slice of weird that is totally separate from what and who i am here. it was nice to connect with desiree there. who really, like desiree here, just sleeps a lot, with encouragement from her mom's air-conditioned home. i was reminded of that oasis there, and that i do want to be around my family, her especially, again soon.

we all know, of course, that will last a month, and i will be flipping my shit, still trying to smoke weed out of an apple on the side of her house.

i came back here, and hosted davey b. for a week or so. it was wonderful. we are angelic and he is my set of wings. he is the only man whom i have yet to sleep in bed with for a week. it was nice having my sexy gay house husband here with me. giggling, getting drunk, getting sick, getting weird, reminiscing, watching him walk away back to the warm coast. it was good. the whole thing served to show me how much i need to complete myself. boggled and ogled and googled by what new york life has to offer, it was good to feel what i was missing. i knew it was something.

always looking for the void, alice, aren't we?

and basically i am just calling to say that i love you. and that i do mean to keep the blog up for anyone who will spend time reading it. and hopefully it will help some feel connected to me in a time of at least personal disconnection for me (i may be acting like quite an asshole in the next few months. and the plan is, jesus is going to forgive me, and so will i. whether you are on the bandwagon depends on how fast you move). aside from the fact that life is coming to an end as we know it. anyone enjoying a 60-degree february notice that?