Me Big. You Little.

Desiree Burch is bigger and badder than you. Except when she's smaller and better (with more parentheticals than you can handle).

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Fit to be Tied?

Fit to be Tied? Fit to be Tied? What the fuck is this shit? Derek Jeter on the fucking front page? Who gives a fuck? It’s fucking baseball. How the fuck is that news? How the fuck does this stupid, Mongoloid bullshit make the fucking front page of a New York City newspaper?! What the fuck, did he find Osama Bin Laden? No? Then get his jailbait-loving, Visa-shilling ass back to the fucking sports section. Who gives a shit about baseball? Did you notice there was a fucking war going on? Fuck baseball, and fuck you for crunching into another complacent hot dog and gobbling up this phony escapist nightmare. National fucking pastime my asshole. Last time I checked, the national fucking pastime was blowing the fuck out of nations of brown people and then building a fucking McDonalds there, so we can make the survivors serve burgers that cost more than their lives are worth for a quarter an hour because it’s more than the quarter a week they get to stitch the fucking shoes these pig-fuckers get paid millions of dollars to endorse every year. Hanging out in a park, smacking around their bats and balls, trying not to get testicular cancer. Meanwhile I can’t watch fucking “HOUSE” on Fox for a month because these shit-kickers need all of October to buy and sell beer to each other.

Just because some lazy dickhead with a camera spends half a day at a ball game, I’m supposed to act like it’s news? Some fucking petulant tabloid hack telling me I am supposed to give a shit if these rat bastards are on drugs or not. OF COURSE they’re on drugs! If it was my job to have some redneck fuck scream at me in the sun while I tried to hit a speeding ball with a stick all day for 5 or 10 years until my arms ripped off at the elbow, I’d do a lot of fucking drugs too. Performance-enhancing drugs? Great! You think any rational human being can work up this much aggression over a fucking ball?

It’s going, going, gone and it’s another beautiful jerk-fest today in the ballpark. Everyone grab your shriveled nuts and sing the Anthem!

You know what would be news? Let one of these knuckle-scraping assholes hop off an aircraft carrier and start knocking the plastic explosives out of the hands of terrorists—that’s news! An athlete doing something useful—that’s front page! I’ll buy that for a quarter Rupert Murdoch. This is why most women don’t give a shit about sports, ‘cause there is too much real shit going on to bother with this trifling crap. You can bet if more women played sports, there would be a lot less ass-slapping and a lot more murder. And that’s what we really want to see anyway. Oh, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Would you? Maybe I can get on the front page too.

4 Comments:

At 12:32 PM, Blogger Carolyn said...

I don't know, Des... I kinda like the Yankees. ;)

No, seriously - I have a joke about drugs in sports, too. (That I won't reveal here in case you are stalking Desiree's comments section, come see us in person, bitch!)

Anyway - Jeter is a pussy and he is probably blowing the layout editor. That's why he got front page. Not that you'll be watching baseball anytime soon, but if you happen to catch a playoff game, watch the way he sticks out his ass when he bats. He's a total bottom... but when he hits - you do kinda forget about the war. I mean, he's just so cute!

But back to Osama - right. He's probably at Applebee's in Times Square watching the game... I hear they have great drink specials.

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger DesTheRay said...

Yeah, I know. Everyone kinda likes the Yankees. And honestly, I have nothing against the Yankees, and I think Derek Jeter is a hottie. But baseball is just not news. I am so sorry. I mean, it's New York City. I bet 30 people died that day. Let's put one of them on the front page. Someone definitely got stabbed or ripped off, and some American almost certainly died in Iraq. Seriously now.

Shit, I guess there go all those tickets to the game I was going to be getting.

I am actually performing this as a piece with the Neo-Futurists. Let's see if I don't get beaten up after the show.

 
At 4:09 AM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

you're performing this? *starts polishing brass knuckles*

you might want to do some uh editing ...

Derek Jeter - "hey arey ou Desiree ..."

Desiree - "yes ... I am"

Derek Jeter - "cool, you're cute. and I like your blog. I read it every night, even when I have a game. even when you don't write anything"

Desiree - *hands over panties*

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger DesTheRay said...

Wow, this is getting all kinds of commentary. I should post more incindiary shit more often. Yes, A. Negro, I am going to perform this. I will be blindfolded and swinging as well, so the whole city of baseball zealots who disagree with me can get in a circle and beat me to a pulp.

Although everyone seems to be missing the point that this piece has really little to do with the damn Yankees. Leave it to NYC solipsism.

I am not allowed to comment this extensively on my own blog, am I (refer to previous sentence)?

 

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