Fit to be Tied?

Fit to be Tied? Fit to be Tied? What the fuck is this shit? Derek Jeter on the fucking front page? Who gives a fuck? It’s fucking baseball. How the fuck is that news? How the fuck does this stupid, Mongoloid bullshit make the fucking front page of a New York City newspaper?! What the fuck, did he find Osama Bin Laden? No? Then get his jailbait-loving, Visa-shilling ass back to the fucking sports section. Who gives a shit about baseball? Did you notice there was a fucking war going on? Fuck baseball, and fuck you for crunching into another complacent hot dog and gobbling up this phony escapist nightmare. National fucking pastime my asshole. Last time I checked, the national fucking pastime was blowing the fuck out of nations of brown people and then building a fucking McDonalds there, so we can make the survivors serve burgers that cost more than their lives are worth for a quarter an hour because it’s more than the quarter a week they get to stitch the fucking shoes these pig-fuckers get paid millions of dollars to endorse every year. Hanging out in a park, smacking around their bats and balls, trying not to get testicular cancer. Meanwhile I can’t watch fucking “HOUSE” on Fox for a month because these shit-kickers need all of October to buy and sell beer to each other.

Just because some lazy dickhead with a camera spends half a day at a ball game, I’m supposed to act like it’s news? Some fucking petulant tabloid hack telling me I am supposed to give a shit if these rat bastards are on drugs or not. OF COURSE they’re on drugs! If it was my job to have some redneck fuck scream at me in the sun while I tried to hit a speeding ball with a stick all day for 5 or 10 years until my arms ripped off at the elbow, I’d do a lot of fucking drugs too. Performance-enhancing drugs? Great! You think any rational human being can work up this much aggression over a fucking ball?

It’s going, going, gone and it’s another beautiful jerk-fest today in the ballpark. Everyone grab your shriveled nuts and sing the Anthem!

You know what would be news? Let one of these knuckle-scraping assholes hop off an aircraft carrier and start knocking the plastic explosives out of the hands of terrorists—that’s news! An athlete doing something useful—that’s front page! I’ll buy that for a quarter Rupert Murdoch. This is why most women don’t give a shit about sports, ‘cause there is too much real shit going on to bother with this trifling crap. You can bet if more women played sports, there would be a lot less ass-slapping and a lot more murder. And that’s what we really want to see anyway. Oh, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Would you? Maybe I can get on the front page too.