Anyone Else Patting their asshole dry?

My poos have been rising like the phoenix lately, in stately loaves of family-sized poo. Thanksgiving and her descendents have decked the halls of my bowels for the holidays. The hearth is warm and cooking. My ass is not prepared for the onslaught. I pooped for the entire 24 hours after Thanksgiving. So many parsnips and potatoes, the stuffing perfectly done. I really don't want to keep baby wipes around the house for myself, but honestly, when your little pucker is all raw and owie, you feel so sad. I mean, what did it ever do but deal with all of your shit? And when is Charmin going to make their toilet tissue "spastic colon" soft?

Happy Holidays!

At least 5 times this week, I heard advertising and buzz about some fucking temporary promotional Charmin toilets in Times Square. You know the world you live in is sad when a clean toilet in New York City is news. It's just one big long ad; I don't want to hear about it on NPR.



'Cause then all the tourists will know about it. And fuck them, they came here, they should get the real experience.

It wasn't wrong until you saw the German writing, right?
(What's going on behind that quilted sanitary sheet?
What's that butterfly lookin' at?)
I don't know what it says, and I don't wanna know either!